due to the negative responses on how my previous post was, i shall never attempt to do such a thing again! but it was 2am and i was tired and then u start writing and doing nonsense when u're tired.
when there was team rally on monday, i was looking for the answers to "what am i doing here? what am i going to do? why do i do what i'm doing?" they can be summarised into one word -- vision. what's my vision? what will i do for the next 5 years in church or in life?
one thing's for sure i'm left with 1 year and 2 months in the army, and time really flies so sooner or later i'll ORD. as much as i want to ORD, i'm still fearful of what's to come. i enjoy my army life cos it's so slack and relaxing it gives me time to think. but the clock's ticking and i dont have much time to find the answers to the questions. i'm not too sure if i'd ever want to go into business. i mean it's the trend that young people follow. last time it was electronics, then engineering, now business! what's next? moreover it seems the financial market's a real mess, then what's the point of studying so hard for a degree in which may not get u as far as the seniors did? i mean i would love to earn a handsome 5-digit salary per month, but i dont think it's easy or even possible?
so the clock ticks, and i've been thinking of other ways. overseas study? but then again, what will i study? as much as i want to go to the states to study, there're other factors that make me want to stay back in this country i call home. ministry, family, friends, etc. some things are just hard to leave behind.
but anyway, back to the team rally! u know there's a point of time whereby u've served a long time and there're times whereby u want to give up, quit, start somewhere else. many reasons why people want to do so -- lack of faith, spiritual dryness, lack of focus, boredom. i would say i had faced some of these moments, during these 2 years 10 months serving as a musician. i get bored easily, and recently i've been thinking of my vision in the team. why are we doing the same thing for weeks and weeks? services week in and week out, camps every twice a year, ESS 2-3 times a year. there's got to be more than just standing on stage with my guitar and playing some chords and solos! i know it's easy to say "hey why don't you help out in this...or that" or maybe like "oh maybe you could do this to help". the point is i dont want to see myself doing the same thing for the next 50 years of my life! there's got to be something else than just playing chords!
so i felt a lack of focus at that time, bored at what i was doing, didnt trust that God would place events that would help to spur me on.
but oh how on time God's word came! he's never late, nor is he early (kinda like what gandalf said in LOTR). i believed the word for me was "persevere". as we played the song "O How I Long", mama jac (serving the longest for 15 years!) encouraged everyone as she shared on how sometimes she felt like giving up, and felt angry at God for doing things/not doing things, but she still held on to God's promises because she made the decision to. whoah man! that's the very answer i needed. although i may have served for 1/5 of the number of years she did, i still think we faced pretty much the same thoughts. "what is God doing for me? what's going to happen? what am i seeing such things? what am i doing? why am i doing this?"
i guess i made the decision to serve, and i will stick to that decision. that's why my blog's called "called to serve". i have the talents for music, and i'm called to serve the maker who gave me these talents (eh don't play play man, talent power sia). but i hope as i continue to serve, which i will for the next 50-60 years, God will give me new visions and new territories, new people, new leadership etc.
as for now, the only thing i'll see myself become in the next 3-5 years, is probably a leader in wam? i think many of the current leaders may move on by then, so i'd probably rise up then? who knows maybe i will, or maybe i'll go overseas for study and help out with the church over there.
one day, i would want to be a pnw leader, not because it's cool or what but i think i can do something like it.
oh well, so the quest for saving up for a PRS still continues...
oops wrong topic! i meant the quest for a quest continues. will our hero find a quest during this quest? ok i meant i want to find a vision for me.