Wednesday, August 16, 2006

shit happens

there's lot of shit going on in my life now i just want to KO and just drop down dead on the floor! it's a re-enactment of what happened 3 weeks ago when i was about to KO again!

there's maths test this friday, i can say i studied for differentiation and integration but i noe i'm going to fail. 100% fail. why? because i suck i'm a dumb piece of shit everytime i study and try my best i still come back with crap! sometimes i ask myself why too! why the hell am i in HC? i want to cry and just...just...ARGH!

monday was anni prac, came home 12.30am, tues was WAM night, came home 11, studied till 12.30, today's wed, came home at 7pm, chionged EOM, prepared for music prac. tmr has music prac, will reach home 11, no time to study.
CONCLUSION: i will fail my maths no matter what!

sometimes i wonder, am i serving for God or has it gradually become a chore, a duty? something that u'll go "AIYA sian la! go la quickly come back". deep down it's still something that i do for the one who loves me. but sometimes when the going gets tough, all u can say is "WHY? wat's happening?"

besides my tired self (i slept for 5hours consectively 3 days, sleep in lectures blah blah), he had to make it worse by like giving me shit, too much testing! i cant take it!

like wat happened yesterday, on my bday. my mom called me to wish me happy bday, i cried because i miss her. GUESS WAT? at night, after a few hours, she called me all the way from china just to scold me the same shit that i have been receiving for the past few months! i mean, come on! i'm 17 i noe wat to do just trust me i'm trying very hard ok!
i apologised, but i still feel that certain things are beyond my reach, that wat makes me want to break down and cry.

i'm excited to minister to souls and gain rewards, but at the same time i just cannot be recharged and do the work of a normal student. i mean, all my other classmates have no church commitment? i still have my music theory to study for man! when i joined the ministry, i noe these thigns will come, i'm excited for these, i want them, i want to see how i can overcome them. but i dunno why some ppl think it's easy to come home at 11pm, not feeling sleepy after a shit day of school, sit down and study for 2 hours. i mean, playing music, so wat? so wat? it's not easy doing a task of that! as much as i want to study, i just cant because sometimes i just really cant do it. i noe a student is meant to study, and a musician to play, wat about a mix of both? cant do both?

and guess wat? i dun even have time for myself. i dun watch TV, i dun play computer games, i dun learn my crazy rock guitar songs, i dun even go out after church to chill. what do i do? i try to spend my time studying. u see! i TRY TO STUDY! i WANT TO STUDY! oh man i'm just going to break down one day, all this things going on...

but God works for the good of those who love Him. am i really starting to treat service as a chore? is this a period of testing, or is this a time i should take a long long break and recharge? or will i even backslide? scary man, these kind of thoughts that i have, but it's human nature after all.

and to add on to the shit, my family's not in Singapore, i'm staying with my aunt, my grandma's a real irritating old woman who keeps asking about everything and anything and IS SOOO DAMN DEAF. i mean, get a hearing aid!

i noe this post seems damn whiny, complainy, bitchy, meany, watever la. i'm just penning down my thoughts about all the shit that's going on this week, and the weeks to come, and in future. i just want to get out of it. i dun want to backslide, i dun want to retain.

oh yes i just remembered, i may want to drop a subject next year. i cant take it anymore! i noe one friend who wants to drop too. hmmm...

but anyway, on a lighter, happier note, i thank all those who remembered my bday! i'm one more year from becoming 18! thx for the celebrations, the songs, the cards, the gifts etc! i appreciate it! but for now, i have to take another 5hours to recharge my batteries again.


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